Sunday, June 13, 2010

Hoarding: BURIED AH-LIVE

Right now my mom, my grandma Siti (Arabic for grandma) and I are watching Hoarding: Buried Alive courtesy of on demand, complete with the New York accents. I think I am going to hurl.

I thought I was a slob. But... but.... what if I'm a.... hoard-ah?

Quotes from the show: "I'm a piece of sand in a... tsunami"

"She's being ah-tacked by this... cancer"

All I'm thinking right now is that thank Gawd my mom made me clean out my closet yesterday. Right now one of the hoard-ah is having a "noted" therapist over, and besides thinking how thankful I am for my mother, I'm thinking, poor, poor therapist lady.

"Why do you have so many containers?"

"Well, they were free, and I feel they're like... Tupperware... they can be reused...."

(They're empty)

"I'm so humiliated... I have so many Tupperware containers..."

Those poor people. I guess.

On the bright side, Marg and I watched a show called Unnatural History together over Skype with my brother Frankie. On Cartoon Network. With this really hot blond guy. And of course, we're obsessed. WATCH THIS SHOW IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD!!!

Friday, June 11, 2010

What time is it SUMMERTIME it's our vacation!! which means Six Flags New England

Have you ever been super excited for something, and then once it's about to begin you totally chicken out and scream every swear word you can think of? Have you ever held on to a handlebar for dear life? Have you ever felt like a Loony Tune being elongated?

If so, then you must have ridden the Log Flumes ride at Six Flags New England. It was last Wednesday. As a celebration of a fabulous year, our middle school took a trip there. I think I should also add that my friend D. and I loathe roller coasters.

Jos, Marg, D., our friend Justice and I watched in terror as Dani, my favorite thrill-seeking maniac, sat in the Log Flumes boat alone as it thundered down the water fall. Her signature pink tails were plastered mid air thanks to the speed of the boat, her eyes were electrocuted open, and her giddy smile was permanent. D. and I looked at each other, thinking the same thing. Holy. Smokesticks. We. Are. Going. To. Ride. The. Log. Flumes.

Justice, Marg, and Jos didn't share this inspiration with us. They hate roller coasters too, but they are also a thousand times more wiser than us.

Dani came off the ride and D. and I shared a scream/girly/high moment with her. We jumped up and down and gave our bags to Justice to hold and dashed off through the crowds screaming and jumping until we got to the entrance of The Log Flumes. The parks were practically empty because it's only the beginning of the season, so there wasn't a line. However, the only extra seats available were in the second and first row. We chose the second and got strapped in. Behind us sat 4 tough looking, pierced and tattooed Goth guys.

The ride started. Our boat was being tugged up a 5 story high ramp. Dani was laughing hysterically. D. and I looked at each other and realized... this was not going to be so fun after all. "Holy crap why are we doing this oh God please help us" D. and I said. We cursed. We swore. Dani laughed.

I'm the girl who was terrified when climbing the Duomo in Florence. Why on earth did I want to do this????????

And suddenly we heard the Goth guys chickening out. The dude behind me had a panic attack. He repetitively whispered "oh no oh no oh no" and grasped the handlebar. When the tough guys freak out, you know it's bad. You just know.

We were on the cliff. The boat teetered ominously forward. I heard the guy behind me whimper. And then... silence.

From our perch on the top of the waterfall, we could see the whole park sprawled before us. There was the Thunderbolt Rich wanted me to go on with him, the ski lift-esque ride dangling in the air, and the notorious Bizzaro in the distance. But I didn't see any of that. The only thing I saw was the swirling water at the bottom of the fall... not the fall itself. It was far too steep.

Holy crap.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" everyone on the boat shrieked, including the guys behind us. My eyes were glued shut, my feet floored on the bottom of the boat, my butt everywhere but the seat. My hair was probably in the dude's face and my shoulder blade digging into D's, but all I remember is struggling to keep my butt on the seat. I lost.

And then I was drenched in water, and my butt was safely on the seat, and my eyes eased open. We were safe. I saw Marg and Jos waving at me from the side of the river. And like Dani before, I began to laugh hysterically.

The goth guys breathed a sigh of relief. So did I.

What did I learn? Log Flumes are as scary as Joan Rivers. Which is pretty scary. So, if you hate feeling like you're going to fall to a sudden death, don't ride The Log Flumes. But I'll admit it was worth the scare :)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Dear Coach


Last fall, I wrote this in my journal two hours after being yelled by my soccer coach. Bear in mind I wrote this with a streaming red pen and a horrible temper, in probably 15 minutes. I felt like I needed to post this for all of you who have been discouraged about sports from your coaches or maybe your peers. And trust me, I didn't send this to my coach!


October 22nd

Dear Coach,

I’m sick of being yelled at. Seriously. You expect me to be as good as Jos or the other star athletes on the team who have been playing for their whole lives. May I remind you I just started this sport a month ago? A month is not enough time for someone to become the next David Beckham.

You want me to try harder and just BE better. But, try to see that I have been trying my butt off! The only way for me to get better is practice WITHOUT someone screaming in my ear the whole time!

You don’t need to make me feel bad about myself. Really. No one needs that in their youth. It’s not much of a help towards the effort of becoming a better adult.

You don’t give me time to get better. You expect me to be a little soccer robot, always doing what I have to, and doing it right. Well, this is going to be a blow to your soccer esteem, but I am not a robot. I am a human who, like other humans and like you, cannot simply "become" something overnight. It's not like I have a soccer on and off switch. I have a soccer dimmer. And that dimmer needs to be charged to be at it's full light, at it's best.

It's not like I want to suck at this sport and to let "my team" down. I'm not trying to sabotage our scores. I really, really want to be good at this. My brain is a soccer star, but my body isn't. And to function, those things need to be connected. My body hasn't been trained yet for soccer. It's been trained for tennis. And even though those two things have a ball, that's about it for the similarities.

So, coach, all I'm asking is for some time for my soccer brain and body to connect. For the dimmer switch to go up. To "become" David Beckham. All I need is time, coach. I have the potential. So does Marg and Dani and APG... all of us B teamers. Our soccer minds and bodies are simply unconnected and we need time to fuse them together. And time means WITHOUT you making us feel bad about ourselves for sucking at a sport we never learned. It's not like we were born for soccer, or born to be on your team. We have lives that don't involve and speckled black and white ball. Our lives might involve a hard, concrete court, like me; or a chlorine filled pool, like Marg and Dani. It's not like we aren't athletic, coach, we are. But we aren't soccer stars yet. We have just taken up soccer. Not because we wanted to, but because we had to. But because we had to doesn't mean we aren't going to try. You have to understand we don't live and breathe soccer. The world doesn't revolve around our team. If we lose a game, so be it. That just means we need to practice. It doesn't mean for you to scream and yell and lecture us because we lost the ball or kicked it out of bounds. It doesn't mean for you to make us feel like complete useless crap.

Keep that in mind next time I lose the ball.

Sincerely,
Jen

My mother was angry too, so she called my coach and told him that she was upset. He apologised to her with grace but didn't apologise to me.

Have any of you guys been chewed out by a coach?
Oh, I think we should all take some time this week to remember our soilders and veterns who gave and are giving so much up for us to preserve our liberty and freedom and keep us safe. Even if you aren't an American!